Sunday, November 17, 2013

Body Hatred Project Entry 11

Healthy Eating Day 1
Intentional Exercise Day -4

I feel like I ate pretty health today even if I ate over my calorie allotment, so I've decided to mark it. Mark it 8 dude, as they say.
Four days without any exercise (I have had hella illness) and the weight goes up a pound.  I try not to dwell because I know it's just water weight from sitting around all the time. That doesn't mean I like it.
Provided I feel well enough, I am going to start a NEW THING tomorrow. It is called the New Rules of Lifting for Women, and I hope that it will motivate me to lift harder. I am already looking for a new weight routine besides the class at the Y because I know they will change schedules soon for renovations, and then I won't have a class to take anymore.  I also know I need to not rely on making a class time in order to lift. I have to be able to do it on my own, whenever my finicky schedule permits.

I would like to love and be proud of my body. I would like my body to reflect how I feel about the rest of myself. I would like to feel as strong physically as I do mentally.  I know that how I feel about my body is holding me back in pursuing relationships, and I know, realistically, that romantic involvement beyond where I am now is something I greatly desire.  Who has time, you ask? Who knows.  I sent a message to someone on OKC today, which I NEVER do, because they really did share so many interests with me that it seemed ridiculous not to at least say hello. But if they don't respond, I will "know" it is because my body isn't good enough, and if they do respond, I'll continue to be paranoid that I do not appear as pretty as my pictures, or pretty enough to go out with them. I claim myself as "average" on OKC, which I am not, but what would you call me? BIG. A few extra pounds? Jesus I'm 5 inches taller than the average girl. I have DDDD breasts. I'm more than few extra everything.
Some days I would kill to be 5'5. To be small. I was honest with a lover recently and told him I always felt huge. Later in bed he repeatedly referred to me as small, supposing, I believe, that I would enjoy it. He treated my wish to be small as a fetish, which made sense, in the context in which we had discussed my body.  However, in reality, it felt very mocking, even though I know he did it out of care and desire to fulfill my needs.
There is nothing about the body that is not shaming. I must lift more weight.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Body Hatred Entry Entry 10

Healthy Eating Day 0
Intentional Exercise Day 0

Yesterday, in an ultimate failure (but friend success!) I took banana split supplies over to a sad friend's house instead of working out. Instead of being freaked out by this, I am going to try to eat EXTRA healthy and low calorie today and theoretically it will all balance out. I don't know if this is how bodies work, but it's certainly how my mind works.
So the plan today is to eat vegetables and then do zumba.  Possibly jog too IF I'm up for it (unlikely).  I can't punish myself too hard for ice cream, or I'll just get tired of this process.  Exercise is the key.
I do realize that regular hard exercise is the key to me liking my body more.  I have to spend time with my body regularly where it behaves the way I want it to. I also need to not eat ice cream, or I will never fit into my jeans the way I want to.
There is a particular pair of men's jeans that I want to be loose enough that I feel comfortable wearing them every day.  They're my favorite pair, and I basically burst out of them.  The thigh split so I have to not only lose 10 pounds but also repair them.  Everything about bodies is shaming.  And expensive.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Body Hatred Project Entry 9

Healthy Eating Day 1
Intentional Exercise Day 2

I'm weighing in around 180, which is 6 pounds over a "healthy" BMI, 10 pounds over my original goal set 7 years ago, and 20 pounds from my ideal "I wonder what the fuck 160 would look like" goal. 
I cannot explain never quite reaching my goal.  To go from weighing 270 to weighing 173 then never losing that last 3 pounds. How was that possible? 
I never felt success from all the weight loss.  Although perhaps it's the feeling of success that does people in? Like oh, I have achieved the goal, I don't have to keep working at it?  Because, while I certainly have gained weight back, (and then lost and then gained and then lost) I have never gone back above 200.  I hope I never will.  But you read all these stories (and I have personally witnessed some stories) of people losing 100 pounds and then gaining it all back.  I wonder if my success at keeping the weight off has to do with how young I lost it, or how emotion driven the weight gain was in the first place.  While I was always "bigger" I gained a lot of the weight over the course of a year.  And it has to help that I like to exercise, or at least to walk around.  I might give up the gym, but I never give up walking.
Speaking of which, I should walk to school. Bleh.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Body Hatred Project Entry 8

Healthy Eating Day 0
Intentional Exercise Day 1

Today, after eating my weight in Korean tofu soup with vegetable dumpling, I came home, yanked on my sports bra and sneakers, and headed off to the Y for 3 miles on the treadmill.  I did them at a glacial jog, but I did them and I'm glad I did. 
There were a series of moments on Saturday night when I felt beautiful and sexy and admired by people around me. I wore a black Bebe dress I swear I've had in my closet for 15 years, my black satin corset, and shiny black riding boots.  Having lost a round of a party game, I was required (but not forced) to flash the other players.  When I removed my dress, I was literally applauded and was filled to bursting with pleasure.
I would so love to get my weight down far enough that I wasn't worried about the *weight* exactly, I could just worry about toning and improving the body.
I have to get good enough at exercise, be it running or lifting, that I feel strong, accomplished, and impressive.  As opposed to my current constant of tired and flabby.  I desire to shed the flab suit I am wearing around my secret hidden body not even I have ever seen.
A charming man paying me some attention on Saturday said that he liked the muscles in my arms. I desire nothing more than to make them truly worthy of praise.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Body Hatred Project Entry 7

Healthy Eating Day 0
Intentional Exercise Day 1

I ate all the breakfast in the world this morning. I tried to make up for it at the gym, but there may be no making up for it.  Especially since tonight is ANOTHER Halloween party, filled with booze and pie. I can't resist the pie. I can't even make myself want to resist the pie.
I didn't make it to the gym yesterday. I was exhausted. I know we have to push through those situations and that exercise will MAKE us more energized, but I barely made it through my workday.
If IF IF I lift weights a couple times a week and do cardio at least 5 days a week, I WILL have a body I like better. This is science. Or something like it.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Body Hatred Project entry 6

 I'm not sure there's much more depressing than knowing you used to be able to jog 6 miles in 60 minutes but now find yourself unable to do 3 in under 36.  I mean, other than real problems, but this is not a real problems blog.  If I wanted to tell you about my thesis/desire for babies/how I'm going to pay for retirement, I could, but then we'd deviate from whining to crying, and I'm safe here in whining. I'm good with whining.

I did jog today, and it made me feel less completely crappy about myself.  Much of today was a failure, but I made myself get on a treadmill, listen to pop music, and feel happy for half an hour.  I thought about work a little and sex a little. I thought about Thanksgiving and the secret to making good greens. I dreamed of getting my waist from 36 inches to 30.  Mostly I dream of my favorite jeans being comfortable. 

Tomorrow I am going to go to work, go to an Important Meeting, go to a slightly less important meeting, then take the BODYPUMP class. Somewhere in there I gotta walk at least 3 miles. Weights and abs once a week is totally not enough, but I feel like I won't need nearly as much recovery time after tomorrow's session. Lifting, then two days off, then lifting, should be the schedule.  I say this as if my life has any certainty or structure. WHATEVER.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Body hatred project entry 5

Healthy Eating Day 2
Intentional Exercise Day 0

I did make Indian spinach on Saturday, which I continued to eat for all day Sunday.  I continue to work on that recipe, although I have never made it to the standard of some I have eaten in restaurants over the years. I suspect my desire to keep it healthy is holding me back.  I also went to a pot-luck on Sunday where, though I brought a healthy food, no one else did, and my ability to resist pumpkin cupcakes was negligible.
I worked out Friday and Saturday and then spent Sunday and Monday being in pain from Friday/Saturday. Today is Tuesday, so the goal is to go to the gym during lunch. I slept like 9 hours last night and I put Fast and Furious on my ipad, so I have no excuse for not getting on that elliptical machine.  I weighed 182 pounds this morning. I want to be in the 170s again by the time I drive to NY for Thanksgiving.  I don't know if I can be more visibly toned by Thanksgiving, but let's try it!
Things to do in order to achieve the goal:
take advantage of my YMCA classes
continue to cook and keep food in the house
avoid the cocktail at the end of the day
continue to make tea in the morning and avoid coffee

Things NOT to do to achieve the goal:
stay up too late
go to potlucks
stay late at the party
go out to eat
Go to the Flying Biscuit.